if i were honest about my suicidal thought

suicidal thought

it can be hard to understand for both people who experience them and for those trying to be supportive. it can be difficult to explain as they come and go, and for some it remain constant and being honest about them can be incredibly challenging, because the stigma surrounding mental health, and suicide in particular can make the topic uncomfortable for anyone.

so here's my experience with suicidal thought

i always think about it. EVERYDAY. it come and goes away. some days its in the far back of my mind but its still there. on the other days its in the front of me and screaming.


it following me like a shadow. its always in my head. whispering. it echoes inside. its frustrating because i want to die and live at the same time. i'm dying inside, but i've to live on the outside. it hard to open up. what hurts most is that no one would ever believed im having suicidal thoughts. not until i do something to myself ehh?


sometimes i will be having the happiest day of my life and i will look around at the people im with and think, "they'd be so much better without me


Just because I have suicidal thoughts, doesn’t mean I’m imminently going to take my own life. It’s like a black cloud that hangs over me, but it’s also a good indicator of when I need to reach out for help. I think about not waking up almost every day, but it doesn’t mean that I want to die. I love being alive but my brain tries to sabotage it against my will.


I don’t think so much about actively killing myself, but more like a lack of the will to live. Like not wearing a seatbelt, going outside at night alone, hoping for someone to break in and shoot me, etc. Just not trying to be safe in general.I struggle to see hope and reason. I sit there trying to focus on something else and it still attacks. I need someone to sit there and tell me that there’s hope and that I’m safe and everything will be OK.

I don’t like to discuss those feelings because it makes people panic and think I’m going to hurt myself when I just go to sleep at night and hope I don’t wake up again.

i feel like sometimes the world would be better without me. but then i stop, breathe, and look at all i have accomplished and what i have yet to experience.

Panic attack episode

Right now, aku dah start nak panic attack. Trembling and sweating hands, short breathness and my mind cant focus bila nak buat job.

Aku try tak nak stress dirikan dengan job baru but since they're not systematic well so keja aku dah serupa jadi bertangguh tangguh. Arahan kerja nda jelas. Bila bertanya, jawab acuh nda acuh. I know what i am cappable of but bila zero information, no resources or details memang nda jalan apa pun kerja. What do you expect from me then.

Jadi messed up pula ni job.  Tak pasal pasal aku dah nak kena panic attack. Rasa nak nangis pun ada.

lately aku mudah annoying dengan keadaan sekeliling. terutama dengan posting di group 'survival depression'. i dont know why. aku ingat bila masuk ke dalam group tu dapatlah membantu tapi rupanya buat lagi annoying, depressed and menyampah.

aku tak tau.

words 'aku tak tau' tu seakan shield bagi aku sedangkan aku tau tapi aku tak nak mengaku.

feeling trapped macam tu lah.

banyak orang posts dalam group tu acah depress teruk. aku tau aku tak patut cakap macam ni sebab lain orang, lain depress and anxiety yang dorang ada but when it comes to getting worse and dorang rasa macam takda orang yang nak tolong dorang, their are wronged. orang pertama yang akan tolong dorang adalah diri sendiri.

why i said so?

because it happens to me. aku sedar perubahan diri aku. behaviour aku macam mana. end up, aku paksa diri aku keluar dari safe zone tu. not 100% but at least aku keluar perlahan lahan sebab aku tak nak hidup macam ni. this is not myself. aku pun ada tujuan dan hala hidup cuma kadang kadang bila datang perasaan tu, aku kecundang. aku kalah. aku terperangkap lagi. dan kemudian aku cuba keluar lagi. benda tu berulang banyak kali.

AA menjadi 'big why' bagi aku. antara sebab kenapa aku paksa diri aku untuk keluar dari comfort zone aku. antara sebab kenapa aku mencuba untuk mendapatkan pertolongan dari yang pakar. sebab aku tak nak terus-terusan macamni. menyakitkan diri sendiri dan juga dia.

bukan juga senang, bukan juga susah.

cuma jauh dalam hati aku, aku tak nak hidup begini.