clingy and cringe

i'm being a super clingy again. cringe. rasa nak nangis jak. sedih sebab lama berjauhan. happy sebab dia dapat sambung belajar. takdanya nak halang dia sambung belajar. but rasa sedih tu ada sebab minggu ni dia dah nak fly. lepas tu sambung berlayar pula. lepas tu balik sini, kemudian balik kampung semula sampai tahun depan. now, i hate end of year. because he's leaving me alone.

A piece of advice you'd give yourself

1. do not be afraid to feel. be soft, be gentle, be a roaring hurricane if thats what your heart is telling you. you are an intricate creature of emotion. do not still your flames.

2. set your alarm 5 minutes early. give yourself 5 minutes to lay there in resilience. then get up and go.

3. do not forget the importance of those who ask you how you are. who ask you how day was. notice those who check in you. the world can be dark place, surround yourself with those who care.

4.you may not look like that girl in the photo, or the girl you just walked past in the street. but that does not make you any less beautiful. you are simply a different kind of flower.

5. do not be ashamed of your interests and your passions, the music you like, the books your read, what you enjoy doing on a Sunday. be proud of the light in your eyes when you speak about it.

6. understand the difference between good and bad attention. there are those that see you simply for what you offer on the outside, but there are also those who are fascinated by the miracles you offer on the inside too.

7. don't take yourself too seriously. you are only human. forgive yourself when you need to and laugh at yourself often.

8.despite how it may seem now, your family will not be around forever. make the effort while you can. these people are your blood, your life source, your first friends.

9. never stop learning. this world is full of wonder. be curious about what it holds, the nature, the history, the people. there will always be something new.

10. make good stories. the present is the youngest you'll ever be again. there will come a day where you look back upon your life, and memories will be all you have left. go make some.

if i were honest about my suicidal thought

suicidal thought

it can be hard to understand for both people who experience them and for those trying to be supportive. it can be difficult to explain as they come and go, and for some it remain constant and being honest about them can be incredibly challenging, because the stigma surrounding mental health, and suicide in particular can make the topic uncomfortable for anyone.

so here's my experience with suicidal thought

i always think about it. EVERYDAY. it come and goes away. some days its in the far back of my mind but its still there. on the other days its in the front of me and screaming.


it following me like a shadow. its always in my head. whispering. it echoes inside. its frustrating because i want to die and live at the same time. i'm dying inside, but i've to live on the outside. it hard to open up. what hurts most is that no one would ever believed im having suicidal thoughts. not until i do something to myself ehh?


sometimes i will be having the happiest day of my life and i will look around at the people im with and think, "they'd be so much better without me


Just because I have suicidal thoughts, doesn’t mean I’m imminently going to take my own life. It’s like a black cloud that hangs over me, but it’s also a good indicator of when I need to reach out for help. I think about not waking up almost every day, but it doesn’t mean that I want to die. I love being alive but my brain tries to sabotage it against my will.


I don’t think so much about actively killing myself, but more like a lack of the will to live. Like not wearing a seatbelt, going outside at night alone, hoping for someone to break in and shoot me, etc. Just not trying to be safe in general.I struggle to see hope and reason. I sit there trying to focus on something else and it still attacks. I need someone to sit there and tell me that there’s hope and that I’m safe and everything will be OK.

I don’t like to discuss those feelings because it makes people panic and think I’m going to hurt myself when I just go to sleep at night and hope I don’t wake up again.

i feel like sometimes the world would be better without me. but then i stop, breathe, and look at all i have accomplished and what i have yet to experience.

Panic attack episode

Right now, aku dah start nak panic attack. Trembling and sweating hands, short breathness and my mind cant focus bila nak buat job.

Aku try tak nak stress dirikan dengan job baru but since they're not systematic well so keja aku dah serupa jadi bertangguh tangguh. Arahan kerja nda jelas. Bila bertanya, jawab acuh nda acuh. I know what i am cappable of but bila zero information, no resources or details memang nda jalan apa pun kerja. What do you expect from me then.

Jadi messed up pula ni job.  Tak pasal pasal aku dah nak kena panic attack. Rasa nak nangis pun ada.

lately aku mudah annoying dengan keadaan sekeliling. terutama dengan posting di group 'survival depression'. i dont know why. aku ingat bila masuk ke dalam group tu dapatlah membantu tapi rupanya buat lagi annoying, depressed and menyampah.

aku tak tau.

words 'aku tak tau' tu seakan shield bagi aku sedangkan aku tau tapi aku tak nak mengaku.

feeling trapped macam tu lah.

banyak orang posts dalam group tu acah depress teruk. aku tau aku tak patut cakap macam ni sebab lain orang, lain depress and anxiety yang dorang ada but when it comes to getting worse and dorang rasa macam takda orang yang nak tolong dorang, their are wronged. orang pertama yang akan tolong dorang adalah diri sendiri.

why i said so?

because it happens to me. aku sedar perubahan diri aku. behaviour aku macam mana. end up, aku paksa diri aku keluar dari safe zone tu. not 100% but at least aku keluar perlahan lahan sebab aku tak nak hidup macam ni. this is not myself. aku pun ada tujuan dan hala hidup cuma kadang kadang bila datang perasaan tu, aku kecundang. aku kalah. aku terperangkap lagi. dan kemudian aku cuba keluar lagi. benda tu berulang banyak kali.

AA menjadi 'big why' bagi aku. antara sebab kenapa aku paksa diri aku untuk keluar dari comfort zone aku. antara sebab kenapa aku mencuba untuk mendapatkan pertolongan dari yang pakar. sebab aku tak nak terus-terusan macamni. menyakitkan diri sendiri dan juga dia.

bukan juga senang, bukan juga susah.

cuma jauh dalam hati aku, aku tak nak hidup begini.